THE FRIENDLY SKIES — Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of the United crew please direct your attention to the monitors as we review the emergency procedures.
There are eight emergency holding cells on this aircraft. In some cases, the nearest holding cell may be behind you.
Should the cabin experience a sudden overbooking, stay calm. Handcuffs will drop from above your seat. Place the handcuffs on your hands like this. If you are traveling with small children, make sure your cuffs are on first before cuffing your children.
In the likely event we call the cops to drag you off because of our own incompetence, please assume the position.
A taser is located in a pouch under your seat. To use the taser, aim it at the unruly passenger and pull the trigger — electricity will do the rest.
We remind you that this is a no-holds-barred flight. Refusing to be reaccommodated, disagreeing or expecting any actual service is prohibited by law. If you have any questions, keep them to yourselves. And thank YOU for flying the friendly skies.