What the Foul?
Kellen Winslow, tight end for the New York Jets, is believed to have been masturbating in the parked car outside of the Target in East Hanover, New Jersey, just before being found with several packages of synthetic marijuana on November 19 of last year.
According to the police report, a 58-year-old woman called the police after she saw the 30-year-old NFL player sitting in the driver’s seat with his erect penis out. He had parked his black Cadillac Escalade back-end-in and had his window down, so he was in plain view when the woman parked next to him. She commented to him on the cold before she realized she had interrupted his self-love session.
The police came in and asked him what he was doing. He told them, and this is for real, that he was looking for a Boston Market, a chain restaurant usually not found in the parking lots of Target.
The officers found two jars of Vaseline on the console between the front seats, though it has not been reported if either of them were open. The police did note that Winslow was covered up by the time they had approached him.
The cops also discovered a pile of containers of synthetic marijuana strewn about the interior of the car. All told, there were eight empty jars of Funky Monkey, five bags of Mr. Happy ‘potpourri’ and one empty bag of K2 XXX Chronic. Winslow told people that he used the not-really-real weed to help him relax, as the NFL has a ban on real marijuana and tests its players for it.
The cops collected his cache of wacky tabacky and let him go. He was formally charged with possession of a controlled substance on December 30, though not for anything related to his chicken choke.