NANNING, CHINA — Six knuckleheads in China have been busted for a botched offing, after they subcontracted a job to death, but then never really got around to the actual murder.
According to the Nanning Intermediate People's Court, the Parable of the Five Hitmen began with businessman Tan Youhui, who hired a man surnamed Xi to bump off his competitor, Wei, to the tune of 2 million yuan — or roughly $282,000 — in cold hard cash.
According to the Shanghaiist, Xi was given a copy of Wei's ID card, and cellphone and license plate numbers.
Instead of doing it himself, Xi hired another hitman, Mo, to do the job for a million yuan, then went back to Tan and got him to agree to pay another million once the job was done.
Well, Mo was apparently cut from the same cloth as Xi, and got another dude called Yang to carry out the murder for 270,000 yuan up front and 500,000 more when Wei was dead.
At this point, someone really should've just done it already.
But Yang subcontracted the hit to another guy, also named Yang, for 200,000 yuan, with a 500,000 bonus for a done deed.
It could've gone on, but Yang #2 was a cheapskate, and outsourced Ling to do the dirty work for a measly 100,000, to be paid after completion.
Ling decided that wasn't enough to kill someone, and instead tried to hatch a plan with Wei to fake his death so he could still get his cash.
Wei agreed to get gagged and bound for a photo Ling could sent back up the chain, then promptly turned right back around and straight to the cops.
Needless to say, the convoluted murder-for-hire plot ended with businessman Tan and the incompetent five with years-long prison sentences.
Moral of the story? If you wanna murder someone right, you really ought to do it yourself.